The World of a Waster

realkidvicious @ 2005-09-23T01:23:00

2005-09-23T00:24:17Z

Ha, you know the girl in my last entry? Well, she's gone to uni now I haven't heard or seen from her in just over a week.

On saturday I'm going to stay out of town with one of her best friends (who's really hot)

Oh yea, I still got it.

realkidvicious @ 2005-09-07T21:39:00

2005-09-07T20:58:06Z

Hey so I'm updating twice in quick succession!

Well, instead of updating, I'm actually venting. None of my offline friends read this so I can say whatever I want with no backlash. Not that I'm gonna say anything to warrant backlash, but yea. You get the idea.

So basically, I'm been hanging out with this girl called Hayley a lot. I've liked her for over 2 years, and knew we had mutual friends, but I never did anything about it (I was probably too busy chasing other girls and being a jerk in general) and then I saw her at a party a coupla months ago. It was kinda then that I realised that I liked her in college and I never did anything, then I see her around maybe once a month and felt the same everytime I saw her. I figured I had to do something, so I got a mutual friend to arrange a meeting and tell Hayley I like her, that kind of thing.

We met up, had a night out. It wasn't the greatest night, the first nights never seem to be. We were both hideously tired and we didn't know the first thing about each other so conversations didn't pick up naturally. She said she didn't feel that 'vibe' and suggested we just stayed friends. She had a point, I felt kinda the same, but would've liked another chance. I figured we wouldn't see each other again, but I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (me and Hayley talked about how great Tim Burton is, stuff like that) about a week later with some friends and felt the need to tell Hayley how great it was. We ended up talking and arranging to go see it together. That was a better time for us, and so when a mutual friend had a gathering at her house, me and Hayley spent most of the night shunning everyone else, and talking between ourselves. We ended up sharing a bed and staying up til around 6-7am, talking about anything and everything. She told me about spiritual stuff, and chakra and it seems really interesting.

OK, so fast forward to nowadays. We hang out a lot now, and we've become really close friends. She knows I still like her (I tell her all the time) and I know she just wants to be friends. I'm not weird about it at all, I don't mind her telling me about how she likes some other guys and hearing about her problems when it comes to guys (I do admit, I have the ocassional pang of jealousy, but that's natural, right?) and talking to her just seems so natural, we have a really good time together. I kinda feel like everything is cool when I'm with her, even though I rarely concentrate on anything else, besides the words she's saying or the way the corner of her mouth looks when she smiles (it's so cute, I love it)

And on monday night, we went out and got really drunk, I told her how I like the way things are and that I'm just really happy she's in my life, even though it's not the kind of relationship I envisioned when I first met her. We were both saying really sweet stuff and was holding hands (that's kinda natural for us, it's happened before when we were out walking at 2am) and we ended up kissing. I kinda got my hopes up that maybe she'd like something more than friends, especially when she said I should spend the night at her house (she made it clear I'd be in the spare room though). We carried on drinking, we carried on kissing, we carried on holding hands. We went back to hers and she fell asleep on the sofa. I tried to get her into bed (not in the "Hey, I'll take advantage" kinda way, I tried helping her to her bed - even though I had no clue which was her room, and I would've gone to my bed - she already showed me where I'd be sleeping earlier on in the night) So. Yea. She wouldn't move, so I left a note for her parents that apologised, and said I couldn't get her to shift (complete with a PS from when I came back later on to try and move her)

In the morning, she drove me home so I could get ready and go to work and I was telling myself that nothing would come from the kiss, and that it was just drunken antics, and shortly after I got a text message from Hayley, apologising for crossing the line. That was cool of her, most girls would've just pretended to be wasted and not remember. I told her that I wasn't expecting anything to come from a few drunken kisses, which was true. It'd take more than that to convince me she wanted to go further than just friends.

ANYWAYS. I'm not going anywhere with this, I just needed to rant and go over what'd happened and I feel a lot better now.

To anyone who reads this, feel free to comment, but I don't think I need advice, I got it covered :P Thanks for listening to the rant and maybe I'll post more as things develop :)

Ha.

2005-09-03T09:29:11Z

I just read through a lot of the old updates one here and decided I was a bit of a dick.

Oh well, I'm fucking cool as fuck now.

How be everyone?

realkidvicious @ 2005-06-28T23:41:00

2005-06-28T22:41:58Z

Monday, April 11 7am
"Boy that's a scary shirt" said the American pilot as I boarded his plane. Funny, this Dracula shirt is subtle for me, only mildly expressing the darkness that overwhelms my soul. I looked at his pressed, cod-military uniform, carefully framing a tight white shirt and tie and said "So is yours".

Brushing past him, I saw the smile on the stewardesses' faces fade as they were met by a 6'3 goth. Into the cabin, I swept past the smug business-class dopes, who avoided my gaze and gripped their pillows a little tighter, and on into the economy section where I saw the look of alarm on the face of every person with an empty seat beside them. Lucky for them, I was booked next to another member of our party, who was already so drunk that he asked if my hair was real three times before falling asleep.

I'm writing this on a plane somewhere over the atlantic on my way to Florida's Space Coast, where I plan to visit some of the world's most beautiful places and imagine them as vast, dark crypts. I'm just reviewing the tour iteniary. Will this trip really cheer my up, as my mum's friend Cathy suggested?

I've already been confronted by The Man, in the form of a thick necked policeman who confronted me at Gatwick to inquire what I was doing. Would his victimisation of me have anything to do with me being clad in bald, with long hair and Slipknot bag? The government robot stared blankly as I spaat out that I was getting a flight, and was waiting for the rest of my tour group. He used his radio to check my passport and then said "Have a good time". Bah! That worm's idea of a good time probably involves cutting up the underwear of incontinent pensioners to make wedding dresses for frogs.

7:30pm
Made it through customs in Orlando with yet more questioning. "Wouldn't you be a little hot in those clothes, sir?", "Black garments make you nervous, do they you maggot?!" I thought to myself cuttingly, in repsonse.

I'm staying in a fabulous hotel, the room is amazing with a comfy bed. I think it would be a great place to commit suicide.

Tuesday, 12 April 1:30am
Today we visit the Kennedy Space centre. On the 'NASA Up-Close Tour', we were shown around the giant megaplex that diplays sapce shuttles, rockets, and the International Space Station Processing Facility, where scientist puts together new parts for their orbiting labs. I wish they'd redirect their efforts to block out the sun.

Out at the launch site, we spotted a vulture at the side of the road ("We love vultures" said a member of the tour crew, "They're the clean up crew of Nature". I felt like applauding) before watching a 3-D Imax film about teh International Space Centre, narrated by Tom Cruise.

Next, we had lunch with Sam Gemar, a real-life astronaut, and were able to ask him some questions. I raised a pale talon into the air. "Sam", I asked "when you looked back at the earth from space, how did you feel when you saw how tiny and unimportant we are in the universe?" Sam looked at me uneasily, spotting the eyeliner, but then replied "I remember clearly that when I first looked bacj, I had a definite feeling of insignificance".

I almost cut open a vein in honour of this dark angel! Sam had travelled into the vast blackness and learnt first hand that humans are nothing but maggots crawling across a tiny, putrid ball in a meaningless void. He qualified his statement with something about the joy of returning home, but that was beside the point. Sam had inspired me.

In a better mood, I ducked out of the tour and headed for the beach. In the toilets there, I reapplied my corpse make-up and change my fetish net mesh top. I sensed hostility fromt he men using the sinks next to me. But to me, they - these filthy sheep - were the repellent ones. Although I did feel quite sorry for one kid who ran in, saw me and ran out again.

I hurried out onto the sand where people accepted me into their throng as eagerly as they would a black turn that had just crawled out of Marilyn Manson's arse. One snotty little runt ran at me like an angry spaniel and growled "Ew... jackass!" I walked on, btu I secretly vowed to chew off his fingers when I see him in the fiery bowels of Hell.

I found a bar on the pier and ordered a drink. "Sorry, we don't have Absinthe. How about a Bud Light?" said the barmaid. I could feel people's eyes burning into me from every corner, and I inhaled their fear deeply.

"Are you from England?" a ruddy-faced ginger man was talking to me. Before I could turn away, he started telling me about his daughter who had moved to Liverpool. He talked for 15 minutes without once commenting on my appearence. Could it be possible that he was too drunk to realise he was talking to the Enemy of Mankind? "Screw this" I thought to myself and I got up to walk off. The man patted me on the back as I walked away.

I began a jog along the water's edge, but as people stared, God tripped me and I scraped my knees.

Wednesday, 13 April 2am
Tonight we went for dinner at AJ's, on Florida's Emerald Coast where the propriotress was quick to say "Nice t-shirt. Slayer. Hey, Slayer-man!" Being over 16, she's not really my type, but it was good to meet someone who understood. Before I knew it, I was eating oysters. Swallowing a corpse whole was a sacred honour, although I had to sip some grape-blood (wine) afterwards to prevent myself from filling my boots with vomitus. As the drink flowed, I found myself laughing with the others and only thought of one new way to commit suicide (gripping a light bulb until it smashes and then I get electrocuted). After the meal we posed for pictures and one of the girls in the group touched my arm, which was even better than finding out that Rammstein's next album is going to be 'extra heavy'.

Then we went to a bar called 'Howl at the Moon' (cool) where a group was playing. The drummer had dyed black hair and after one song he ran up to me and said "You look amazing, are you in a band?" I'm not, but he insisted I should be. Then the band launched into a set of metal hits, with the drummer giving me the devil horn during 'Back in Black'. I gave him a salute right back, and performed a slow nod on my stool thought the show.

Thursday, 14 April 6am
I can't believe I failed to kill myself again last night.

8pm
Today we went on s deep-sea fishing trip. The boat crew stared nervously at me as I boarded and steered clear of me throughout, which suited me fine - I was content to watch the horizon and chat about The Cure to our tour guide. "Can I see your eye make-up?" she said. I took off my shades and was amazed she didn't scream in horror at my demon eyes. "I like it", she said.

I was then confronted by a rugged old man. "Are you a goth?" he asked. It was the first time on the whole trip that someone had used that word in front of me. I confirmed his suspicions and waiting to be taken to the dunking stool. "And you're from London right? Golly, that place is so far ahead with it's trends. Teddy boys were big there in the 50s. I used to be a hippy. Oh yea, long hair, beads, the works. I got laid A LOT. Hey, you're young, you enjoy yourself."

His name was Vic and he was 63 years old. Seemingly encouraged by my God of Fuck appearence, he began telling me some ribald tales from his youth. "Yea, I took heroin once. I knew some cops and they gave me a snort of some stuff that was 90% pure. Best goddamn four hours of my life!" I said I'd take some as soon as I returned home (mum will be so angry to find syringes in my room!). He replied "Well, you just be careful. I was instantly addicted. I was flying, man!" Vic's great.

An hour later, we were standing side by side, our rods dangling over the side of the boat. I hadn't snared anything, while Vic had caught eight.

"Fish don't like goths!" he laughed. "Man, they're looking up from the water, seeing your face and saying 'I'm staying the fuck away!" Bastard fish. Let them hate me; everybody else does. Just as I was about to throw myself overboard to be devoured by the sharks, I felt a twitch ont he line and jerked my rod up. It resisted. Praise Satan, had I got something?! As I craned over the rod like a crow and began reeling, it was clear that I had.

"You got one this time, huh?" said the sprightly deckhand. I sneered and commented that it would probably get away. But no - there it was, becoming clearer in the water until it popped, wriggling and pink int he air like a vaginal prolapse. It was a red snapper, and the deckhand allowed me to pose for a photo. As it bucked and reared and blew out it's gills in front of me, suffocating on the hook, I was filled with joy. Death is so cool! Then the deckhand took it and released it into the ocean. No! Life is un-cool, damn it!

Suddenly I was being assaulted.

Something had hit me in the chest and was flopping about in my massive hair. I dropped my rod in confusion and looked behind me. There on the deck was a little bird. The deckhand carefully picked it up and pointed out it was a land bird and shouldn't be this far out at sea. What a truly bad omen: bridds were now dropping out of the sky because of my presence! Fucking YES!

The tour guide took the bird, and began dipping her finger in the water and bringing it to it's gaping beak. I was amazed to find that by the time we'd made it back to shore, the bird's strength was fully restored and it could fly back into the trees. The bird had been brought back to life, and I realised that in the bird hitting me, and not the water, it's life had been saved.

Now on my way home, back to mum and dad and my law career, I know some great change has occured within me. I know, at long last, that I really will kill myself.

realkidvicious @ 2005-03-22T15:50:00

2005-03-22T15:50:59Z

"What are you doing down here in the basement?" C said.

"Surprise!" I said. "I spent the last three days painting this elaborate mural depicting the combine's glorious victory over the forces of earth."

"You did all this in just three days? Are you on speed?"

"No. Unless the green stuff seeping out of the cracks in the basement floor is speed because I've been eating a lot of that."

"Hey, you know how the other night we were accosted by those two muggers in the park and all of a sudden you flew ten feet into the air and as if on cue the full moon emerged from the clouds and cast a glowing blue nimbus on you as you produced a single black rose and blew on it, creating a maelstrom of razor-sharp petals that fended off the muggers? I was just wondering, were you ever planning on explaining that to me?"

"I think I might be a goth."

realkidvicious @ 2005-03-02T20:41:00

2005-03-02T20:43:43Z

The air on Flogbert IV was choppy at best and skipped through our lungs like a broken record. Every breath left something to be desired and made us long to inhale the kind of real air ventilation shafts are famous for. This was the consensus we all reached two minutes after crash landing. The whole planet was sick, submerged in a nauseatingly green atmospheric veil. Flogbert IV was the bastard planet of an inbred solar system, a nightmarish aquarium drowned in bad soup. Until help arrived, it would be our home.
The rocky surface was merciless, so it was no surprise we had nowhere to make a safe landing when an unexpected systems failure put the HMS Prannybucket in grave danger of exploding across the cosmos. The emergency landing was rough, and left the mighty spaceship torn into all manner of asunder along with our chances of making it back to safety. Our only salvation lied in finding shelter on the planet's harsh and geographically sassy surface. That's what we told ourselves when we went in search of a cave to use as temporary living space. That mission proved more complicated than we had anticipated.

"You're going to have to go into that cave I think," said Captain Stubs. "It's the only way to know what's really in that cave."

"I'm pretty sure there is a large blob creature in there, Captain," I replied. "That's what Lieutenant Dootleberry yelled shortly before he screamed and then stopped screaming and then we never heard from again."

"Nonetheless," Captain Stubs replied, "we must ascertain for sure just what is in that cave before we exhaust it as a possibility."

"A blob creat—" I started to say.

"It could be candy for all you know!" interjected the determined Captain Stubs. "It could be delicious candy and by the Gods I'm not going to turn a blind eye to the chance Lieutenant Dootleberry is simply lost in the orgasmic throngs of a giant gummy bear while we're out here, in the elements, staring into the mighty abyss of this ominous cave."

"Well," said the meek Intern Winterfresh clutching his Atscan 5000™ atmospheric scanner, "I'm pretty sure it's not candy in there because it smells like sulfur in the readings I'm getting say it's full of sulfur."

"Sweet, sweet sulfur. There was a time when sulfur was as prized as a good onion," stalwart Captain Stubs replied. "Let us make sweet onionade out of these onions Flogbert IV has had the good sense to give us. Now, you two, into the cave!"

To be continued? Nah. Probably not.

realkidvicious @ 2005-02-16T14:20:00

2005-02-16T14:20:49Z

CALLER: "Doctor Laura, I gots a problem. My baby's in the trash compactor and won't stop crying. What do I do?"

DR. LAURA: "Take her out of the trash compactor."

CALLER: "Thanks Dr. Laura! You're a true genius." (Hangs up)

NEXT CALLER: "Doctor Laura, I need your advice. Should I invite a Neo-Nazi to my son's Bar Mitzvah? The Neo-Nazi bags our groceries at the local Food Hut and he often tries to stab me with a knife, but I think I'd feel bad if I didn't invite him."

DR. LAURA: "You shouldn't invite him."

CALLER: "Thank you Dr. Laura!" (Hangs up)

NEXT CALLER: "Hey Doctor Laura, my 89-year old mother has been acting cranky for the past week. She keeps shouting and crying. What can I do?"

DR. LAURA: "Is she in the trash compactor?"

CALLER: "Let me check." (Pause, filled with screams in the background) "Yeah she is. What should I do?"

realkidvicious @ 2005-01-24T14:35:00

2005-01-24T14:38:58Z

Don't challenge me, you scottish.

CRAIG WINS!

i r teh updaet!!!1

2005-01-21T14:06:12Z

I just looked through the friends bit on my LJ and the majority of the recent posts are about being stressed or unhappy in some way.

I was gonna post a picture of Rick Astley, but I think it would ruin the mood. Hmm.

realkidvicious @ 2005-01-11T13:51:00

2005-01-11T13:51:32Z

BONG! Donald Rumsfeld picks up tab at hen party that lasted six years

BONG! Millipedes cause cancer in ducks, but only if they massage them

BONG! Flying island set for third visit; public urged to "fuck off"

BONG! Blunkett finds matches in hedgerow

BONG! Mothers told "sear your kids for a fuller flavour"

BONG! 9/11 dispelled as diving accident

BONG! Bowie finds leaf in mouth; experts baffled

BONG! Tawdry horse told "go back to Russia"

BONG! Sentient bureau recieves honorary GNVQ

BONG! Petrochemical operatives 4 times more likely to randomly want bacon in the middle of the night

realkidvicious @ 2005-01-02T21:54:00

2005-01-02T21:55:10Z

The dawn of a new year is upon us. This is an ideal time to dream about what the future may hold, and nothing says "the future" like outer space (with the possible exception of a futuristic robot that says "THE FUTURE!" in a booming voice when you try to take his hover-purse). I'm always thinking about space. From a very early age people have been yelling things at me like "Dennis, get your head out of that book about space!" or "Get your head out of that astronaut helmet that you found in the back yard!" or "Get your head out of that honey pot!", but they don't understand me the way space does. I'm something of an authority on the topic because I made a little badge out of cardboard that says "Space Chief" right on it in undeniable red crayon. Or maybe it's burnt sienna, I don't know. I'm not as good with colours as I am with space.

It really bothers me when other people think they know about space. Well let me tell you, brother, the version of space portrayed in such landmark films as the Sci Fi channel's Giant Crocodile In Space, Giant Crocodile In Space 2: Gianter Crocodiles As In More Than One Crocodile, and Wing Commander is way off. For one thing, ship engines and explosions always seem to have impressive sound effects in these movies, but sound doesn't carry in space. The reason for this is that space is a vacuum, and if you've ever tried to watch tv while your mother vacuums then you know that you can't hear shit. Many false impressions have been propagated by films such as these and by poorly managed public schools.

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-30T12:44:00

2004-12-30T12:45:18Z

I think I want to write a song about a scientist duelling with a magician.

That would be cool.

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-30T01:28:00

2004-12-30T01:28:46Z

Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-24T10:33:00

2004-12-24T10:33:51Z

Why has no one ever considered that spiders might just be tiny land octopusessssesses?

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-23T08:43:00

2004-12-23T08:44:43Z

In case I don't get a chance to update it anytime before, Merry Christmas everyone who sees this!

And once Christ,as is out the way, I get to go down to Bristol again! Yay! And I get a day job! Yay!

2005 will be a good year.

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-20T21:11:00

2004-12-20T21:12:39Z

Na na na na na na na na na na na na daaaaaaaaay job! Daaaaaaaaaay job!

I start on January 3rd and it means I can go and get wasted every night again, just like the old days of liver failure and whatnot! Weeeeeeeeeep.

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-19T23:33:00

2004-12-19T23:35:03Z

In the immortal words of Harry Hill - "My brother nearly got married. He got right up to the point where you say 'I do' and he said... "Where's my sleeping bag?"

Hahaha. Love that guy.

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-17T17:38:00

2004-12-17T17:38:10Z

It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
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It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket
It puts the lotion in the basket

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-17T05:32:00

2004-12-17T05:33:41Z

So I'm not at work at 7pm tonight, like I usually would be. They need a for truck driver in and everyone else who starts the 7pm shift needs to finish at 4am, so I volunteered to come in at 1am and leave at 10am.

They think I'm helping them out, but what they don't know is that I'm only doing it so I can go to the pub and get wasted before work. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Stick it to the man - WITH BEER.

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-10T14:43:00

2004-12-10T14:45:00Z

Craig here, sandwiched between dead batteries and penis-shaped drinks as usual!

Just thought I'd pass some time with a little update. I've been drinking a bit, been to see my crazy nanna and been drinking some more since my last update and Phil's due round any minute and where going to the pb. Yay!

I need t drink more, I can still type. I need to wee.

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-10T13:09:00

2004-12-10T13:09:44Z

Is it wrong that the main reason I'd like to be a famous singer is so I can dedicate a song to "Marketing and advertising"?

I don't know the rules.

This update has been brought to you by a yak in a box.

I'm almost out of beer now. I wanna go to the pub nowrightnow.

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-10T11:11:00

2004-12-10T11:13:13Z

I've been 22 for 11 hours so far and I've been laid in bed, reading books, drinking beer and watching DVDs.

Best birthday ever so far.

I was supposed to be drinking all day with Phil, but he has something called 'work', which sucks.

Ah well, I'll be drunk by the time I hit the pub and this is always good news.

And then tomorrow I will be drinking again.

And again the day after that.

And money permitting, the day after that too.

In other enws, my sister was in town yesterday and saw Jean Paul (the guy who does my tattoos) and he was asking when I'm gonna get my back finished, which is good news. I thought he'd be pissed at me for not turning up for the last session and most likely costing him money. I hope he's still doing it at half price cos I really wanna get it finished.

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-08T11:13:00

2004-12-08T11:16:10Z

Hahahaha! I'm watching the satirical genius that is Brass Eye. It's the 'Sex' episode where there's a bit where an Admiral is explaining why gays can't be in the Navy...

- They can't swim
- They attract enemy radar
- They insist on being seated at the Captain's table
- They get up late
- They nudge people when they're firing guns

The best reason has to be the one where he says "You can't have a man like that on board because when you retire at night, you find yourself thinking "God - Will I wake up and find everybody dead?" HAHAHAHA. Fucking genius.

I just thought I should share that with you all. Feel blessed.

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-07T00:58:00

2004-12-07T00:58:49Z

It's my birthday on friday!

Yay!

Here is something birthday related...

You are 60% Sagittarius

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

realkidvicious @ 2004-12-04T10:37:00

2004-12-04T10:37:56Z

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?," he asks. "You're supposed to be guarding the door, not peeking! I trusted you!"

"I've been guarding the door for a month now. A month. When am I going to get to hear The Answer for myself?"

"Ah, yourself. I see. Can't you understand that this isn't about you? This is bigger than you or I or that lady I saw on Montel who's so overweight she can't stand up or get through her doorway so they had to remove her roof and use a crane just to take her to play mini golf. The Answer doesn't need you. The Answer only needs some change for the vending machine down the hall with the brownies."

I give him what was in my pocket and he returns twenty minutes later with bits of brownie in his hair, wearing a different pair of shoes which seem much too big to be his own.

"The brownie was sufficiently moist and delicious. You have passed the trial. Tonight we return to our room and you learn The Answer."
--------------------------------------------------------

I'm off to Bristol. I believe the correct term is 'Yay'.